There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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