I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
