I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
