; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
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