just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
