i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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