we have pet lesbian snakes
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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