you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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