Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
