If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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