looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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