my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
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