My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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