please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
