I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
