hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
