It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
