We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I need a beard to bite.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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