I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
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