Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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