i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
