I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Still dying that you shit outside
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
