wrigley field is MILF paradise
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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