at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize