I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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