I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize