why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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