How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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