glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
