I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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