Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
