Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
