Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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