Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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