I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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