Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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