if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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