fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
