I just made out with a guy for $7.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
