We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Randomize
