just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
