Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
