im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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