I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
