Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
my poor anus
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
