He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
