make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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