Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
We need to get me chipped asap
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
