dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
