Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
