peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
