the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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