Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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