I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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