U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
What a dumb baby whore.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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