I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
