One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
