Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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