the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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