So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
