Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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